I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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