i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
