Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
