Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
