don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
