he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
