You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
so much tequila, so little girl.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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