Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
