that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
