I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
