Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
