I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
