I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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