It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It all started with a game of naked twister.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
