all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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