one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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