JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
