if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Girls should come with a carfax report
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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