Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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