The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
