We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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