someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
