I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
