my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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