Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
