Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
