the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
