Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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