M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
