I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
