Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
