you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
