I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize