Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
