I think my fart just growled at me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
