U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize