a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
