Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
