apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
