I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
