i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
