is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
