How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
