I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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