I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
