I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
