I'm laying in your front yard are you home
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i love accidental penises.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
