i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
