When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
