Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize