wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
