i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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