pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
