Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
