My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
