if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize