Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
